When one day you’re clearing your parents’ house you will probably find the odd suitcase, but there will be a whole pile of baggage. Memories, regret, guilt, sadness, grief, relief. It’s all there on heartache hill. Whatever your relationship with them, clearing your parents’ house is never a task to look forward to.
If you had just 10 minutes to grab possessions from you own home, you’d have a fair idea of what those things would be. But when you’re clearing your parents’ house, it’s not so easy to figure out what to treasure and what needs to go. A lot of heartache is caused by uncertainty, but the more quickly you can get through the decisions, the easier the clearing is.
My Number One Top Tip is to start early
First off, what do I mean by start early? You should start conversations right now with any of your loved ones – today, this weekend. The subject of those conversations is to gently find out about their possessions and what they’d like to happen to them. And it’s not a blunt conversation – it’s all about story-telling.
1. Find stuff they should never have kept
If you can pin down what falls into this category, you have a head start. There is a whole generation (or several) who feels it is treason to get rid of a gift. They keep things “for best” and hold on to possessions because they want to pass them down. Talking about possessions is great fun: one of my favourite conversation starters is:
“What present were you given that you never, ever liked, but that you still have?”
Talking about items like that which have been punished and banished to the back of the cupboard or the top shelf is amusing because you never know what answer you will get. My favourite answer was from the best downsizer I have ever met. Let’s call her Brenda, because Brenda is her name. She was clearing out and moving possessions on. Anyone who was in line to inherit, got the swag early. There was a pretty 8-setting tea service at the back of the sideboard. I commented on it. Brenda told me: “It’s never been used”.
But why? Brenda’s mum got it was a wedding present. She didn’t like the aunt who gave it to her, so the poor china was banished. The wedding was March 1930! It’s just plain daft. It could have been moved on decades earlier.
Encouraging your loved ones to move possessions on sooner rather than later is a good way to start. Of course, not everyone will be prepared to do that. At the very least, talking about possessions gives you a head start for the fateful day – when you’ll be rooting through the drawers in your parents’ bedroom that you’d never normally go near.
2. Gossip about friends and family
This is an exceptionally good way to have conversations around photographs, old films and get the ancient cine camera and projector out of the loft. Start talking about their friends and relatives. You’d be amazed the answers you’ll get to this one:
“What relative or friend did you not really like, but you never let on?
My darling father-in-law was a model of diplomacy and never expressed an opinion about anything his wife said or did. A real gentleman. But a few years back, Parkinson’s and Vascular Dementia robbed him of some of his faculties – including diplomacy about his wife. He started a sentence with: “The trouble with Alison is…….”. I was so taken aback I didn’t hear what came next and, for sure, I’ve never remembered it since. That nugget of wisdom has now gone for ever and it drives me nuts!
It’s a joy to get the unvarnished truth when you least expect it.
Think about the knowledge that will be lost for ever when your parents have gone. I was never interested in my paternal grandfather growing up (that’s him in 1902), but I wish now I had asked what he was like. He died 18 years before I was born, but just 10 years ago I could have asked my aunt about him. Now it’s too late.
Photographs are super time-consuming areas to sort through, mostly because of their sentimental value. You can start working out with your parents what to keep and maybe having old pics digitised. It’s also invaluable if anyone is interested in your family history.
3. Ask your parents how they feel they have changed over the years
This could be contentious. Persuade your parents to spend their money on themselves because their needs have changed!
As our loved ones age their homes often age with them. As their needs change, it’s all too easy to settle for quick fixes to minimise disruption and there’s often a reluctance to put themselves first, even when it comes to safety. So much inherited property is neglected and you’ve maybe watched it happen. You’d like to speak up, but it feels like an intrusion. Trust me, the best time to speak up is before it’s necessary.
“Oh, that kitchen will see me out. I don’t need a new one”. And you think, it might literally see you out! You think of that time you saw your mother on a step ladder reaching to a high cupboard and your heart stopped. She deserves a great kitchen with everything within easy reach. The same applies to the bathroom. I come from a family of short folk. Pretty much all of my aunts have kitchens that they don’t deserve – like the one where the bottom of the wall cabinets is 4ft 8 in from the floor, while my aunt is 5ft 2in and shrinking. By the way, I love designing kitchens for short people – in terms of PC-ness, they are only vertically challenged when balancing on a step ladder.
If you can persuade your parents to upgrade the kitchen and bathroom, that’s a win! It is all about their needs and thinking ahead. The trick is to find the motivator. One delightful lady I now was persuaded to install a new bathroom because she loathed the idea of the council installing ugly, white grab rails!
The upside is you can remove the stepladder in good conscience and the kitchen contents will be curated in the process. A Win : Win. Or a cunning plan.
When the sad day comes, it’s so tempting to get a house clearance company in to speed up the process, but that just feels disrespectful. Though the idea of a skip has crossed your mind too. But in reality, you want to consider and curate and ponder what happens next. You have a busy life. You want to be confident in making the right decisions without any overwhelm.
If you’re facing this very situation and you’d like to remove the overwhelm, let’s talk.
I help busy professionals to make the most of inherited property, backed up by hard facts and fabulous 3D. Check out my other blog posts here.
